Total Disappointment: A Flick That Falls Flat

I was originally planning to watch Gorynych in the cinema, but somehow it didn't work out, and I decided to wait until it became available on an online streaming platform so I could watch it at home. And I'm so glad I did.

Just a quick disclaimer: if you (or your kids) loved this movie, don't take what I'm about to write too seriously – I'm not trying to offend anyone, and movies and books are just so subjective, so what one person loves, another person might not.

To be honest, I absolutely didn't enjoy Gorynych. I mean, I was literally laughing out loud the whole time, and my hand was covering my face the whole time because I just couldn't believe what was happening on screen. I guess the word cringe would be a good fit here, but if you want to get old-school, we could call it Spanish embarrassment. But I'll try to explain my issues in more detail so I don't come across as just being petty.

And yes, I've heard people say things like it's just a kids' movie, what do you want from it? Well, that's not an argument at all. Firstly, there are loads of amazing kids' movies out there that are really well-made, with great acting, beautiful costumes and sets. And secondly, in my humble opinion, kids' movies should have even higher standards than adult movies because they're supposed to teach kids something good, and a movie that a kid watches when they're young can stay with them forever (trust me, I know from personal experience).

So, let's get on to the plot:

I'll give you the quick rundown. Sailor Alex is on a deep-sea submersible when a prehistoric octopus suddenly attacks his vessel. Next thing he knows, he's being sucked into some kind of portal that whisks him off to a fantasy world.

I was surprised to see the sailor and a new world rising up with an egg that hatched into a cute little dragon, which Alexey named Gorynych, after the captain's nickname. In this fairy tale world, the sailor falls in love with Princess Marusya and tries to help her ailing father, all while saving the kingdom from its enemies. Yeah, it sounds like a pretty standard fairy tale plot, right? But in reality, it's all just a bunch of lazy writing. Now, let's get to what I didn't like about the movie and where it specifically fell short. * I mean, if this was some low-budget, unknown film uploaded for free online, I could maybe understand, but here, they're working with big-name talent, and it's just not good enough.I'll be honest, the movie's marketing campaign and theatrical run didn't exactly blow me away.

So, here are the downsides from my subjective perspective (or just plain weird, silly, or cringeworthy moments):• The movie's opening. I mean, a sailor who's about to make a crucial dive, with dozens of people watching live, decides to spend the entire night in a club and doesn't even bother to check his phone. It's just... bizarre.

Okay, I was being optimistic at this point, so I won't nitpick too much. Let's move on.

• When the protagonist enters the other world, he initially thinks everything is just a movie set and takes it all in stride. Fair enough, it's a plausible reaction at first. But then he realizes it's all real, and his response is to say, 'I've fallen into a fairy tale!' That's it! No more questions, no more confusion, no more reflection, no fear, no anxiety, no attempts to go back. Nothing at all!

I have to admit, people tend to get lost and fumble around in unfamiliar cities, but not Alekha. He settled in instantly, and the only everyday problem he faced was buying a bottle of milk. It's funny to think of all the hilarious situations we could've built around this. • In the movie, the fantasy world has characters referring to themselves as 'Russian' or 'Russians'. It's like the creators are saying we're in a medieval Russia, and that's fine by me – I love fantasy with a Slavic twist. But! it seems like this is some kind of alternative reality, because the fantasy characters look utterly bizarre. They're half-crazy, half-timely. The girls are walking around with messy hair, wearing cheap dresses with Vans, but they're standing next to wooden pavilions, and there's a gang in weird armor and so on.

• I've gotta say, almost every scene felt ridiculously absurd, with dialogue that was just plain weird and events so implausible, even for a fairy tale.

• The songs were a letdown – I didn't enjoy a single one. I mean, they weren't catchy, they weren't beautiful, and they were either really out of place or completely forgettable. Even the scene with the strongman 'Bamboo from Istanbul' that some people praised in reviews just made me want to turn the movie off. • The costumes, hairstyles, and overall appearance of the fairytale characters were pretty off-putting. Why not style the princess's hair neatly and beautifully, and dress her in a lavish outfit suitable for the medieval era? The actress is actually quite charming. • All the scenes with the king's treatment, the baron, the duke, the magistrate, and all those other antagonists were just cringeworthy – I don't have much else to say about it. • The romance between Alexei and the princess just felt forced – they were trying to show romance, but it looked really contrived. • The ending was probably the biggest letdown. When Captain Gorynych and the team suddenly appeared out of nowhere, I started thinking that maybe this was all just a dream, and the script would take a turn towards the idea that it was all just a product of Alexei's oxygen deprivation or that he was lying in a coma after the submersible accident. But no!

The creators missed a chance to make the movie more coherent and logical. I'll just quote the next line to express my thoughts on the ending.

The film ends with Alexei and the fairy princess Marina moving to St. Petersburg and living there, having kids, and then we see a scene five years later where they're all back on the submersible, diving into the same deep well and finding Gorynych looking exactly the same as he did before. I mean, seriously, neither Alexei nor the captain nor the entire crew seems surprised or shocked that they've been to a fantasy world? They just go on living their lives?

• There's way too little of Gorynych the dragon! The movie's title is completely unjustified.

• Honestly, the movie made no sense to me. The characters just wandered around and didn't seem to be striving for anything, and all the conflicts were resolved with a snap of their fingers and some ridiculous plot twists. And if we're talking about a kids' movie here, what's the moral of the story? What's it supposed to teach kids? That it's okay to be late to work and irresponsible towards it? Or that you should help animals because they'll pay you back later? The latter might have worked if it was handled better.

When I write reviews for movies, even the ones I didn't like, I try to find something positive to say. In this case, I spent a while thinking about it, and I did manage to come up with some good points.

So, the few good things about this movie are:

• The little dragon, Gorinyshch. Let's be honest, the computer animation for this character is way better than all the human actors combined.

• I have to admit, despite its ridiculousness, the film was actually pretty engaging, so it didn't feel like a chore to watch. The time flew by quickly, which is a plus in my book. • The visuals were pretty vibrant (most of the time). • The scene where the little dragon reunites with its mom was genuinely heartwarming.That's pretty much all the positives I can say about this cinematic 'masterpiece'.