A Total Disaster: When Remakes Go Wrong

I'm still reeling from the cultural shock of watching the modern remake of Moscow Does Not Believe in Tears. But before I could even process that, Shurik came along. Oh, poor Yorick! But since it's not Shakespeare, let's just say, oh, poor Shurik!

Let's start with the fact that the writers took a dump on not just The Diamond Arm, but also on a bunch of other classic comedies. This isn't just a mess of a few dozen films; it's a dumpster fire made up of rehashed bits from real works of art.

I found myself switching between different films during the screening, trying to make connections and references. It's like they took bits from Forrest Gump, The Gentlemen of Fortune, The Adventures of Electronic, The Cossacks Are Gathering, and The Irony of Fate. And don't even get me started on the number of celebrities who tried to make a name for themselves in this mess.

It's a shame to see Kirillov, Lazarov, and Dolina in this mess. I'm not sure what's more embarrassing – Dolina's recent scandal or her involvement in this project. It's a tie for the most embarrassing thing I've seen in a while.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around how a self-proclaimed queen of jazz like Dolina is singing songs from some Instagram influencer.

The main roles are played by Timur Batrutdinov and Marina Kravets. While Kravets does a decent job of getting into character, at least visually, Batrutdinov is a disaster. The director of the acting ensemble must be pulling their hair out.

The once-beloved Shurik from Alexander Demianenko's iconic performance has been turned into a clumsy, off-putting character with a poorly applied makeup job, a face that looks like it's about to have a stroke, and over-the-top antics. To be honest, I've never seen Batrutdinov in a role where he was actually funny. This guy just isn't funny. He's more likely to leave you confused than laughing.

I was really disappointed with Harlamov's performance in this movie. He's usually got a great sense of what makes a project work, but here he just seemed off. And when you combine a bad role with a bad movie, it's a recipe for disaster.

Gary Martirosyan was the only bright spot in the movie, playing the role of Saaakhov in 'The Captive of the Caucasus'. But even he couldn't save this mess. When a Caucasian actor plays a Caucasian character, it's not even acting anymore.

I think the producers just wanted to give some of these forgotten stars a chance to make some extra cash before the new year and threw them all together in a movie. It's like they were trying to dust off some old cobwebs.

I'm not a big fan of art, and I'm definitely not a fan of art that features Olga Buzova. But since this wasn't a production from the Bolshoi, I figured I'd give it a shot. It's a comedy, after all.

I still don't get what Buzova does for a living - is she a singer or what? And if she's somehow part of the creative community, then Rosa Sibatova's appearance in the movie just confirmed my suspicions that they were just grabbing anyone who walked by the set.

It's weird - where are all the good actors? Why are they casting people who don't have any acting training, slapping some makeup on them, and asking them to read lines from a script? It looks like they're just reading words off a piece of paper.

Even a good script can't save a bad performance, and this movie didn't have either. The script was weak, and the actors were struggling to make it work.

The humor in this movie was just flat-out terrible. I have no idea what the writers were going for, but it didn't work. It's way harder to make someone laugh than it is to make them cry.

They even resorted to some pretty lowbrow humor, but I didn't see a single decent joke the whole time I was watching.

I have to say, if the comedy didn't work, maybe the musical would have? Nope, that didn't happen either. The selection of 'hits' just didn't make sense, and the singing was subpar. Sometimes it felt like a cat was voicing a solfege textbook. There were plenty of musical pauses, but I doubt you'll be humming any of these songs after watching the movie. Everyone who had a mouth was singing, from bloggers to washed-up artists. If you've got a voice, you're singing.

I've got to give a special shoutout to the makeup. The makeup artists tried to make the characters look as similar to the originals as possible, but in today's world, that's not exactly rocket science. However, against the backdrop of what's happening on screen, the characters looked like plastic, grotesque, and unrealistic dolls. Although, if you take a photo of the character and compare it to the movie, it's actually pretty similar.

The costumes were also pretty good, sometimes they completely recreated the original characters' costumes, and sometimes they added a modern twist, but in any case, they looked similar.

The movie's pacing is 2 hours long, which is a lot if you're watching this thing. If you just take a couple of hours to nap, the time will fly by. But trying to sit through this nonsense for 2 hours and forcing yourself to watch the screen is an eternity.

I feel bad wasting my time even when watching it at home, and if I had to pay to see it in the theater, I'd want to go, smash the box office, and take back all my money, plus a little extra for the moral damage.

Overall, the worst enemy of good is probably a bad idea. Trying to parody great things is a losing concept from the get-go. I don't know, maybe it's cheaper than buying a new script. But here, there's no script in sight, they just shot some memes, but it all feels outdated, disappointing, and predictable.

I'm also stumped as to who the target audience for this mess was. Kids and young adults will just shrug their shoulders in confusion and turn it off after 10 minutes, going back to their phones. For fans of classic stuff, older than that, this is not just a slap in the face, it's a punch in the gut.

I'm still trying to figure out why they spent money on this thing. Were they counting on making it back through TV views and reruns? Because, honestly, I don't think they're going to make a single yuan off this mess. I mean, I'm not the only one who thinks so, judging by the reactions of the people I've talked to.

I'm all for artistic freedom, but after watching this trainwreck, I'm starting to think that maybe we should've had Furtseva back in charge. Or even Stalin, for that matter. At least then we wouldn't have to deal with this kind of garbage being peddled as serious art.

I'm not just saying I won't recommend this thing, I'm saying I won't recommend it at all. It's not even worth calling it a film. Our domestic film industry has been in the dumps lately, but Shurik's crew managed to dig a new low. They didn't just scrape the bottom, they started banging on it from underneath.

The most interesting thing is that the creators and producers of this mess aren't even ashamed. The actors who starred in it aren't ashamed either. But the audience is. That says a lot about our people - we're not as stupid or as gullible as they think we are. When Bogdan Titomir said 'People are hungry', he wasn't kidding. And now they're trying to feed us this garbage, and it's making us sick.

It's especially galling that they tried to pass this off as our main New Year's comedy for the outgoing year. I get it, some years are worse than others, but this is just ridiculous!

Don't recommend it!