Is this book suitable for parents with no prior knowledge of child psychology?

Yeah, the book's designed to be accessible to non-experts, with clear explanations and practical examples.

Does the book offer any new or groundbreaking ideas on parenting?

No, the book compiles existing knowledge on attachment and parenting, but presents it in a clear and engaging way.

What are the author's views on civic engagement?

Petranovskaya's views on civic engagement are a bit polarizing, but she emphasizes the importance of getting involved in your community.

Is the book suitable for readers who are interested in psychology but not parenting?

While the book does touch on psychology, it's primarily focused on attachment and parenting, so it might not be the best fit for readers with a broader interest in psychology.

Are there any illustrations or images in the book?

Yeah, the book's got some helpful diagrams and illustrations to illustrate key concepts.

Can I return the book if I'm not satisfied?

Yeah, the publisher's got a return policy if you're not satisfied with the book.

How long does it take to read the book?

The book's a quick read, taking around 2-3 hours to finish, depending on your speed.

Is the book available in digital format?

Yeah, the book's available in digital format, including e-book and audiobook versions.

Real-Life Lessons and Honest Insights on Parenting

Welcome to my honest review of Lyudmila Petranovskaya's book If It's Hard with the Child. As you may know, Petranovskaya is already well-established for her other book, The Hidden Support: Attachment in a Child's Life.

If It's Hard with the Child. Lyudmila PetranovskayaI gave her work a high rating, but it's not like she broke new ground - she just compiled many of the postulates that others had expressed before her. Still, that doesn't diminish the work she put into making it all accessible and easy to understand. Add a bit of luck and internet buzz, and suddenly Petranovskaya's a household name.

Even though I wasn't a fan of her civic stance, I have to admit that I share her views on psychology.

If It's Hard with the Child isn't exactly Petranovskaya's most popular book. Many people think it's too early to read, since it's geared towards communication issues with teenagers (unlike The Hidden Support, which is for kids from birth). So, why bother reading it now if you've got little ones in tow?

I've found that reading books like this before having kids helps you figure out what to do when the little one arrives. My two boys are 7 and 4 now, and while they're not quite at the teenage stage yet, the book still touches on some of the issues we discussed in The Secret. Plus, it's a great guide for the future.

A Little About the Book

If It's Hard with Your Child. Lyudmila PetranovskayaThe book is in a softcover edition.

If It's Hard with Your Child. Lyudmila PetranovskayaPublishing House AST, Moscow, 2022.

Contents

If It's Hard with Your Child. Lyudmila PetranovskayaThe font is easy to read, the writing style is smooth, and there are illustrations and highlighted example texts in quotes.

Breaking Down the Book

Let's face it, the whole 'parents vs kids' thing isn't new - it's been around as long as parents and kids themselves.

Throughout history, the older generation has always thought that the younger generation doesn't dress the same, doesn't talk the same, looks weird, and is just generally out of touch.

Over time, the expectations of parents towards their kids can create a huge wall of misunderstanding and alienation. To avoid escalating the situation, Petranovskaya suggests:

When you're trying your best but it's just not working, it's time to take a step back, calm down, and think things through. Put the situation on pause and take a deep breath.

What she means is, don't lose your cool and yell. Stay calm, take a deep breath, and think about how you can achieve your goal in a different way. Maybe you're approaching the situation all wrong.

I think many parents would love to find that magic button that turns off the bad kid and turns on the good one. But it doesn't work that way.

Going back to The Hidden Foundation, Petranovskaya takes her judgments from there (nothing negative to see here, it's for reflection). They boil down to the fact that a child's relationship with their parent is a matter of life and death. The main task of a baby is to establish and maintain contact with an adult. To feel attention, care, love. To feel needed.

Attachment is a deep emotional connection. That's why a baby will cry at the slightest problem - that is, call out for their adult.

As kids grow up, they also ask for attention. Especially noticeable when guests arrive and the kid tries to grab all the attention for themselves. What do adults usually do? (it was the same in my childhood): they ignore the kid and then kick them out of the room. All they need to do is exchange a few words with the kid, maybe take them on their lap to show them that they're important, that Mom is nearby. Usually, that's enough.

If it's tough with your kid. Lyudmila PetranovskayaSometimes you need to give a child the opportunity to scream and just listen in silence. I know it's tough. But it's important. Important for the child to see that they're being heard.

I've seen parents lose it and lash out in anger, even when their kid is just being a teenager. It's like they're checking to see if their kid will still love them even when they're being unreasonable.

Ludmila Petranovskaya shows a situation where a parent just can't take it anymore. And in the heat of the moment, they make a mistake - a mistake that only makes things worse.

What's going through the kid's mind in that moment? I think it's a sense of isolation...

If you're struggling with your kid. Ludmila Petranovskaya It's not just kids in their teens who get hit - parents often lose it and lash out physically, even when their kid is much younger. And for a little kid, physical punishment is incredibly scary. For them, their parent is supposed to be a source of protection and care. But if that protection uses force against them, who's going to protect them then? They're basically left all alone. It's like the stronger the bond between parent and kid, the bigger the trauma the parent inflicts on the kid.

I've seen some parents take a different approach to discipline - ignoring their kids instead of punishing them. And trust me, ignoring is way worse than getting a timeout. Why is that? If your parents used either method, there's a good chance you'll repeat the same pattern as an adult, even if you know it's not the right way to handle things. Breaking this cycle takes a lot of effort, but it's necessary to avoid making the same mistakes and finally break free.

There are two types of parents: the authoritative and the companion.. The first ones are all about discipline, but they don't understand their child's feelings and needs. The second ones are sensitive and caring, but they often lack discipline. Either way, it's a problem. What kids need is a balance of both.

Kids need protection and care at the same time.

Another issue is when parents and kids have different temperaments.

1) The parent is a calm person, while the kid is super energetic.

They're always on the go, making a lot of noise, and their energy is through the roof. The parent wishes they'd just calm down already, sit still, and get some rest.

2) The parent is energetic, while the kid is calm and slow.

They do everything at their own pace: putting on their pants slowly, eating slowly, and doing what they're asked to do slowly.

So, what can you do in these situations?

Understand that

Temperament is a natural trait that's hard to control with reason.

You need to support your kid's strengths and not focus on their weaknesses.

Trying to rush a kid who's not ready can actually slow them down. The opposite happens with hyperactive kids too.

Reading at 4 years old

I've got to disagree with Petranovskaya on this one - there's no point in teaching a 4-year-old to read (I've seen people get worked up about this). Her argument is that kids who learn to read at 4 and those who learn at 7 are on the same level by 8.

But what a waste of nerves with the 4-year-olds

They need real-life conversations, stories, games - that's how they'll develop faster.

Uncooperative behavior

It's usually a sign of exhaustion, fear, or a 3-year-old crisis.

What to do? Just wait it out.

Trying to change a kid's behavior that's just a phase is like fighting a snowdrift in winter

I've got to say, it's pretty ironic that kids need to learn how to stand up for themselves. Otherwise, how are they going to say 'no' later on? It's like, first they're told not to do everything, and then they're expected to be this tough, masculine guy when they're older. It's a real paradox.

And let's be real, it's a pretty obvious truth that you can't say one thing and do another. Kids are always watching and learning from us, and they pay more attention to what we do than what we say.

It's impossible to be a smoking dad and then lecture your kid about the cigarette they found in their pocket. Come on, fellow parents, let's start with ourselves.

How to respond to comments from a third party?

If it's tough with your kid. Lyudmila Petranovskaya It's also super important not to share your kid's secrets with third parties.

I still feel a sting from my mom reading my personal diary and then sharing with her friends who I had a crush on. That was my private business, my diary! In that case, my mom crossed a boundary and shared my personal info with others 'for a laugh' or 'to discuss,' but it felt super intimate to me.

About the Main Thing

If You're Struggling with Your Kid. Ludmila PetranovskayaThis chapter is the most practical part of the book. It not only tells you what's wrong but also shows you how to fix it.

It's Essential for Kids to See a Confident and Happy Adult.

My husband sometimes shares his thoughts with me about how we might not be the best parents, and I think this idea comes from his own authoritarian upbringing. Each time, I tell him we're amazing parents, doing our best with what we have. The most important thing is that our home is filled with respect and love. He usually agrees with me then. In this context, it's crucial to work on adult self-esteem.

Why Do Many Parents Hit Their Kids? Sometimes it's because they're just so exhausted, burned out, and emotionally drained. These parents genuinely believe that taking care of themselves is selfish.

I've got to disagree with the idea that a happy family is all about the kids being happy. Our women just don't prioritize their own happiness. They'd rather spend their hard-earned cash on their families than treat themselves to something they really want, like a nice top. And don't even get me started on the whole 'save the best piece of cake for the kids' thing. In our household, the best piece of cake is for whoever wants it, not just the kids. Why put your life on hold for your kids and then expect them to be grateful? It's just not fair. Even on planes, the rule is to put on your own oxygen mask before helping the kids. That's my take on it.

Children need to see that being an adult is awesome, not something to be feared.

Until you're happy, your kids will be miserable

You need to be able to relax and take your mind off things. How? For example:

Don't go to extremes and ban your kids from watching cartoons or have them glued to the TV all day, but:

Mom in a state of nervous exhaustion is way more damaging than TV.

And if things are really tough, sometimes it's okay to take a deep breath and let things be. And when you're feeling better, you can have some fun with your kids.

Why do so many new moms end up with postpartum depression? Because they try to take on too much, plus they're not getting enough sleep. And what's the result? Yeah...

Don't worry about the mess, let the floors be dirty and the laundry be unwashed, but you'll have the energy to smile at your kids sometimes.

Don't be afraid that this will always be the case - you'll feel better, and it'll all come together.

It's also super important to understand that a child's bad behavior isn't bad behavior, it's just challenging. And what's challenging for each adult is different.

What does the kid really want?

When a kid is being difficult, it might be because...

Maybe they're testing the strength of your bond and making sure you still love them even when they're being a handful.

What phrases can parents say to their kids that can be hurtful?

If you're having trouble with your kid. Ludmila PetranovskayaThe next part goes into super detailed explanations of what it means when a kid is being disobedient, when they're disobedient, examples of problems, and solutions.

The reasons behind this behavior can be:

a need for attention

a desire to avoid failure

Clarifying who's in charge

Revenge

I loved the words of Petranovskaya, where, expressing their dissatisfaction to a child, it's better to start a sentence with the word I. This way, you're not pitting yourself against the child, but rather standing alongside them to tackle the problem together.

If you're struggling with your child. Lyudmila PetranovskayaAnd that's how our parents used to raise us: if something was done well, and we got a great grade - that was just a given. But if we messed up somewhere, that's where we focused our attention. Or maybe the opposite?

Researchers of animal behavior and dog trainers claim that positive reinforcement is about four times more effective than negative reinforcement.

Let's praise our kids more often, acknowledge their good deeds, and just love them! They need hugs, kisses, and affection.

THE FINAL VERDICT

I liked this book by Petranovskaya? Yes. Some things I already knew, while others were new to me.

The most important thing I realized: IT'S ABOUT SUPPORTING YOUR CHILD, COMMUNICATING WITHOUT ANGER, NOT BELITTILING THEM, AND ALWAYS BEING READY TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.

Thanks for reading my review - I really appreciate your attention!