I've been putting off writing this review for a long time, and it's taken me a year to finally gather my thoughts and process everything.

I want to preface this by saying that I'm not going to go into details about the medical diagnosis, circumstances, or anything else that's personal – it's still really tough for me to talk about.

I want to acknowledge that the pain of losing and making this decision will stay with me forever. I've been trying to brush it off, make light of it, and keep it to myself, but I'm not sure how many people know about this.

Abortion is a really tough topic, and no matter what the circumstances, it's not something people usually support. I'm not going to place all the blame on myself, but I do think I should take some responsibility for my choices.

So, how did it happen?

I trusted my partner, and we were confident in our decision – we thought everything was under control. But, unfortunately, others made the decision for me, and it was a huge shock.

The first emotion I felt was fear. I thought it was all going to be okay, but things didn't go as planned. I had a bit of a delay, but who rushes to the doctor, right? I started getting anxious, searching online for information, but my life was pretty normal – I weighed the same, had the same appetite, wasn't nauseous, and my breasts and lower abdomen weren't hurting. I consulted with my sister, who's a pharmacist and has a child. She told me to wait, but I was already getting anxious and overwhelmed. A week later, I bought a pregnancy test, and it was positive – but I kind of already knew that...

I used to be proud of having avoided abortion, but it was scary to experience it, and it was tough physically. But, as they say, you can't turn back time, and I had to make a decision – and it was one of the toughest choices I've ever made.

I think my partner is too immature and not ready for kids, not even ready to take responsibility for our relationship – and that realization was really hard to swallow.

I hope you can understand just how hard this was for me. I started looking for a doctor, but not everyone could see me right away. I visited several clinics, had an ultrasound for around 2000 rubles, and some tests for about 5000 rubles – it was a real hassle.

I want to mention that I have a negative blood type, and I recently had a peritonitis infection. Abortion leads to infertility 100%, and the chances of getting pregnant are 0. Plus, I weigh 45-46 kg – I should have been happy to be a mother!

Medical abortion happens no later than 4 weeks, which is a maximum of 28 days. I was at a very early stage, but this method is suitable when everything has just happened. Why would anyone think to check themselves in the middle of their cycle or with just one day of delay? So, to save you precious time, let me tell you: the effectiveness of the pills on the first day of delay is almost 100%! At 3-5 days, it's around 60-80%! If you're trying to end your pregnancy at the last minute, like I was, your chances are slim. The doctor will try to determine the exact day of conception, and the countdown starts from the end of the critical days. I have a short cycle, less than 30 days, and my period is 21 days away. So, the maximum time for abortion using pills is 28 days, and we were preparing for it, but it was the 26th day...

I have to say, after weighing the pros and cons, I realized that the physical pills are way heavier: they mess with your stomach, the side effects are nausea, stomach pains, and it's a real ordeal. I won't get into the details, but in both cases, the fetus would detach and disrupt your reproductive function, and I didn't want to mess with my stomach, so I had to do an aspiration – and it was a huge relief when it was all over.

I was scared both before and after – the whole experience was really tough. I immediately got my blood work done. We chose the next available day for the operation. Despite the fact that you can't mess around in a process like this, it's still not a medication-induced abortion, so the doctor gave me a day to make a decision and think it over, and come in on Saturday.

I'll break down the costs for you: I got my blood work done for 5,000 rubles, and before the operation, I had to get more blood work done, which I tried to argue with the doctor about, but maybe he thought I wouldn't show up on time, so I'm not sure if it was necessary. Anyway, the second time around, the blood work cost around 2,000 rubles, the operation itself cost 16,000 rubles, and it depends on the term, the longer the term, the more expensive it is, but the difference is only a few thousand. On top of that, I had to get tested for COVID – and that was just another added expense.

It's not cheap, but if you want to get it over with quickly and don't want to wait, especially when it comes to something like this, it's better to trust the professionals who are responsible.

At the time, I didn't really understand what was going on, I was in a lot of pain and discomfort, and it's because the consequences of peritonitis make for a really tough pregnancy. So, I didn't do everything I was supposed to – like bringing a towel and wearing a robe. You're supposed to bring a towel, a robe, slippers, and a sanitary pad. You're not supposed to eat or drink anything, and I was still filling out my paperwork before the operation, and the receptionist was taking her sweet time with the papers, and I went to get a drink from the water cooler right in front of her, and she started yelling at me that I wouldn't be able to have the operation if I kept doing that.

I was the last one to go, and there were two other women there, probably in their 40s. I was really scared, so they went first, and they treated the first one like she was completely drunk, and then they went to get the second one, and I was the last one, and I'm terrified of anesthesia, and all the procedures, so I had a total breakdown, I was crying, shaking, couldn't calm down, and the doctor and nurses started yelling at me, telling me why I even came here, to just go ahead and have the baby and all that.

But they inserted a catheter into my vein, and they strapped me down to the examination table, which is basically a gynecological chair, and it was terrifying, but I snapped out of it a few seconds after the needle touched my skin.

When I woke up from the anesthesia, I wasn't thinking about how it was all over – everything was hazy, and I didn't feel anything, but I understood what was going on. They were taking me from the door to the room, which was literally right next to the operating room. The procedure was done in a private clinic with separate rooms. I was told beforehand that I'd be lying down for a few hours after the procedure, and then the doctor would come to see me, and we'd leave. But the doctor never came, and it had been way longer than expected. I was so stressed out that I couldn't even sit in my phone, so I tried to distract myself by talking to the women. They were all adults, experienced, and some of them had already been through this procedure before. I was trying to forget about the pain and not think about the worst-case scenario. That pain... I have to say, it was way worse than during my period, and it lasted for about a week.

I took a taxi to the clinic and back, completely alone – it was a really tough experience. Of course, it was really tough for me, so I called my parents, sister, and told them everything. I tried to make it sound like it wasn't that bad, and then I just moved on. My life was definitely divided into before and after – I look at motherhood in a completely different way now. Maybe there's a void or a gap in my soul that's hard to put into words, but the physical pain fades quickly, especially since nothing terrible happened. My cycle resumed exactly 30 days later, just like the doctor said. I used daily pads for the first week and full pads for the first few days. There were no critical bleeding, just a bit of blood.

After the procedure, the doctor invited me to undergo treatment for recovery, which cost around 10,000 rubles. I declined the treatment, so I didn't get any recommendations. I had to come back separately and ask for the name of the antibiotics and a prescription, or I might have gotten an infection or developed some complications. I took antibiotics for 10 days. I also had to avoid sex, swimming, and tanning for a month – that was the main thing, since it was summer. And I had to take care of myself in every way, avoiding saunas and pools.

I've got to share a crucial part of my story, and it's not exactly a positive one. I've got Rh-negative blood, and my partner's Rh-positive. If we have a child, there's a risk of complications, and I've been told I need to get a special shot to prevent it. The thing is, this shot's not easy to find, and when I asked my doctor about it, he told me to buy it myself. But it's not available everywhere, and I was getting frustrated trying to find it. The dosage was also a mystery to me, and I was getting anxious about it. Luckily, we found this medication, but getting it was expensive - around 12,000 rubles. Considering I'd already spent over 20,000 rubles on surgery and antibiotics, I just couldn't afford it. I had to give up on the shot, and it was a tough decision.

I'm not sure if I'd recommend this experience to anyone, but it's something to consider. I wish I'd taken more photos during my journey, especially after the surgery and the ultrasound. It's essential to document everything, just in case. But I'm sharing my story now, hoping it'll make you think twice about your choices and take control of your reproductive health.

After that, I didn't have any more issues, and my cycle went back to normal. But the emotional toll was real - I've been struggling with depression, and it's been tough to find motivation. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, and life's lost its meaning. It's essential to hold on to yourself and your relationships during tough times. If you're going through something similar, don't be afraid to reach out to your loved ones for support.

I'm grateful for my partner's support, and I'm glad I could share my story without feeling judged. I'm sure things will get better, and I'm holding on to that hope.